the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize