he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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