4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
