mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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