Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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