If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
