Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
