I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't turn off my feet"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
