got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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