I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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