I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What a dumb baby whore.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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