Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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