I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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