If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize