You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
