I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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