So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
