I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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