the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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