So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
