My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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