thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
