I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
