he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
