I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
