Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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