she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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