There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
