What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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