If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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