I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize