i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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