Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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