I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
