I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
