Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
