i love accidental penises.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
