someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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