Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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