My liver just broke up with me...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish you could order shots online.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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