weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
