I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
