You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
