I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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