I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
