They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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