somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
