I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
