explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
