We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
