went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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