I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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