My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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