I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
