Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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