I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
