remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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