Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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