No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
sarcasm needs its own font
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
