watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
